" No Money Down" (Parody of " Blow the Man Down")

No money down matey, no money down
Yo, ho, no money down
We gave him a mortgage so big that he’d drown
We sold him a house with no money down

He didn’t have work or a nickel to spare
Yo, ho, no money down
But we got our fees and that’s all that we care
We sold him a house with no money down

We bundled the mortgages to CDO’s
Yo, ho, no money down
What the hell they are well nobody knows
We sold him a house with no money down

Moodys was there to make profits look big
Yo, ho, no money down
They helped put the lipstick right onto that pig
We sold him a house with no money down

The fed chair said wing it so that’s what we chose
Yo, ho, no money down
With triple A ratings we smelled like a rose
We sold him a house with no money down

No money down matey, no money down
Yo, ho, no money down
We gave him a mortgage so big that he’d drown
We sold him a house with no money down

He can’t make the payments and feels like a clown
Yo, ho, no money down
A few more foreclosures and we’ll own the town
We sold him a house with no money down

It’s Twenty-eleven now money is tight
Yo, ho, we have skipped town
We won’t make a loan ‘cause it wouldn’t be right
And we don’t care how much you put down!

SquireMalloy2011(C)AllRights Reserved

Please forgive me for my parody paucity. I have been spending much time on a book "Swerving Down the Highway: Selected Reflections on the Golden Age of Drunken Driving",( Available on amazon and barnesandnoble.com.) which was recently published. I hope to be back in action soon. Thanks.

"Chris Christie" Parody of "Moon River" by Andy Williams. OKay, I've just used this song, but the first line was just too good to pass up here

Chris Christie, wider than a mile
You'll fit through a turnstile, someday
No matter, you opted not to run
New Jersey's much more fun, you say
You've thrown your weight behind the Mitt
Hey just think of it, your team could be a hit
Chris Christie, VP!

Two Yankees, out to win the South
But one has a big mouth, you see
A Mormon and a Catholic Wop
In Dixieland they're sure to flop
The rebels just don't like their kind
It's Rick who they're behind, Christians of one mind
Chris Christie, R.I.P.!

  Squire Malloy2011(c) All Rights Reserved

Cain Wins Florida Straw Poll!

We interrupt our parodies here to report a shocking upset in Florida, where Herman Cain has won the Straw Poll! Here is one headline and some follow up articles from a prominent U.S. newspaper.

Cain " SHINES" in Sunshine State!  Perry, Romney, Bachmann pale by comparison.

Big Tent expands! Adds servants quarters.

Cain victory further muddies Republican primary. Will Florida Straw Poll results color GOP race?

"Rick Perry" (Parody of "Moon River" by Andy Williams

Rick Perry, crazy as can be
He doesn’t make much sense to me
"World warming’s just a pack of lies"
While Dallas boils at 1-0-5
He said that he wants to secede
It’s pretty much agreed, he must be off his feed
Rick Perry, hayseed

Rick Perry, foaming at the mouth
Another genius from the South
"Bernanke oughta get the chair"
It strikes me as a tad unfair
He wants Darwin out of the school
Creationism’s cool, the Bible has to rule
Rick Perry, a fool

SquireMalloy2011(c)All Rights Reserved

"Bachmann in the U.S.S.R." (Parody of " Back in the U.S.S.R." by The Beatles Candidate Bachmann recently made reference to the threat posed by the U.S.S.R. The clear and present danger from the Holy Roman Empire was oddly not mentioned

Flew in from the heartland on my corporate jet
Had to do my Christian thing
Packed up all my speeches and my talking points
My brain’s all I forgot to bring
I’m Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.
You know how stupid I are, boys
Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.

They went out of business 20 years ago
Must have missed the news that day
Watching all those foster kids is quite a chore
Besides, I need some time to pray
I’m Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.
You know how stupid I are, boys
Bachmann in the U.S.
Bachmann in the U.S.
Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.

Well I may have screwed up on Elvis’ birth
Some facts are hard to find
But neo-cons only love me more
Because it helps to prove I’m out of my mmmmmind
　
Take me North to Concord with the mountains white
Let me do my Tea-bag spin
Lookin’ for a statue of that Paul Revere
Don’t even know what state I’m in
I’m Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.
You know how stupid I are, boys
Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.

Squire Malloy2011.(c)All Rights Reserved

"Relegate" (Parody of " Renegade" by Styx)

Osama lived in fear for his life cause he knew his time was nigh
Seal 6 had planned an end to his terror, they would rain down from the sky
Osama we can hear you crying, preparing your swan song
Blackhawks are coming down from the heavens and you don’t have very long

The jig is up, the news is out, we finally found him
That piece of scum, that bearded bum, that pork laden Slim Jim
Never more to run amok
We gunned down that rotten f___, in Pakistan

Osama you’ve been years on the lam and had a high price on your head
Barack said get you dead or alive, but it seems he just meant dead
Osama I can hear you crying, preparing your swan song
Blackhawks are coming down from the heavens and you don’t have very long

The jig is up, the news is out, we finally found him
That piece of scum, that bearded bum, that pork laden Slim Jim
Never more to run amok
We gunned down that rotten f___, in Pakistan

Osama lived in fear for his life cause he knew his time was nigh
Seal 6 had planned an end to his terror, they would rain down from the sky
The jig is up, the news is out, we finally found him
That piece of scum, that bearded bum, that pork laden Slim Jim
Never more to run amok
We gunned down that rotten f___, in Pakistan
　

Young Boy (Parody of "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett) Okay, these last Philadelphia 'revelations" pushed me over the edge. Father, you know JUST what you do

Young boy get out of my mind
I can't stop thinking of your behind
Better run boy
Don't be my love toy

With all the charms of a pre-teen
Your hairless body turns me on
Come to the altar son
And pour some wine, wow you look fine
Oh look! My vestment's come undone, oh

Young boy get out of my mind
I can't stop thinking of your behind
Better run boy
don't be my love toy

Beneath your short pants and undies
I'm praying there's some hidden pelf
I know I'll rot in hell
Forever more, and that's for sure
But I just can't control myself,oh

Young boy get out of my mind
I can't stop thinking of your behind
Better run boy
Don't be my love toy

So hurry home to your pappa
But shut your mouth and dry your tears
Get out of here
Before the Bishop sees, my full disease
I might get canned in 30 years,oh

Young boy get out of my mind
I can't stop thinking of your behind
Better run boy
Don't be my love toy

  (c)2011Squire Malloy. All Rights Resarved

The Bimbo Infection (Parody of "The Rainbow Connection" by Sarah Mclachlan)

Why do the newswomen, all look like bimbos?
Bimbos have curves they can’t hide
Short skirts and v-necks, get them the ratings
Networks are beaming with pride
What’s so amazing, about young men gazing
At women so scantily clad?
The Nielsens and hemlines, both go up together
And corporate big-wigs are glad

Turn on the business news, to try and make money
You get go-go girls instead
Most are quite buxom, they’re slender and slinky
But nothing’s inside their head
We all watch the news then, cause you never know when
A "wardrobe malfunction" may come
They’re spiel isn’t witty, but as long as they’re pretty
We don’t give a damn that they’re dumb

All of us under their spell
Maybe their looks are hypnotic

Have you seen sports shows, they go in the lockers
What are they doing down there?
Guys stare and whistle, and then they file law suits
Some become millionaires
We’ve watched it too many times to ignore it
Skin is what we like to see
Someday we’ll cure it, the bimbo infection
The eunuchs, the gay guys, and me

(c)2011Squire Malloy. All Rights Reserved

The Bimbo Infection (Parody of " The Rainbow Connection" by Sarah Mclachlan)

I Must Have Been Sedated(Parody of "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones) This parody is dedicated to arguably the second greatest African-American ever to serve on our natoin's highest court. We can only wonder why for 5+ years he has not opened his mouth

Sixty ,sixty ,sixty one months ago
I must have been sedated
Nothin' to say, no opinion of my own
I must have been sedated

Just get me to the chambers, there's no need to explain
I just do what Scalia says, I do not need my brain
My lazy tongue just lies there, it's atrophied again
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Sixty, sixty, sixty one months ago
I must have been sedated
Nothin' to say, no opinion of my own
I must have been sedated

I should be in a wheelchair, my spine has got a curve
Even though I was A-1 I didn't have to serve
Those who say I was a "dodger" really have some nerve
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Sixty, sixty, sixty one months ago
I must have been sedated
Nothin' to say, no opinion of my own
I must have been sedated

Now I got somewhat frisky with one Anita Hill
I asked her to the Thomas cabin for a little thrill
Turned out she was nothin' but a female poison pill
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Sixty, sixty,sixty one months ago
I must have been sedated
Nothin' to say, no opinion of my own
I must have been sedated

My wife is with the Tea Bags, I'm quite aware of it
I work with right wing think tanks and get paid quite a bit
Don't ask me to recuse myself cause I don't give a s_it
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Ba ba bamp ba
Ba ba ba bamp ba
I must have been sedated
Ba ba bamp ba
Ba ba ba bamp ba
I must have been sedated!
(c)2011SquireMalloy. All Rights Reserved

This parody was written after my wife coerced me into eating at an INCREDIBLY expensive restaurant in NYC. She asked only that I pay and not bitch about the cost until the next day.

     My Night at "Daniel" (Parody of "Daniel" by Elton John)

We just ate at "Daniel"
Now let me explain
One of the hardest parts was
The wife wouldn't let me complain, oh,oh,oh
As soon as Daniel opened the door
I said I've got 200
He said "you're gonna need a whole lot more"

Daniel gave us the menu, how nice
But I was really confused 'cause
The food didn't have any price, oh, oh ,oh
So I asked Daniel, how much more or less
He said not to worry
We take American Express

First he brought out some little sardines
Then came the tiniest entree I've eeeeeever seen, oh, oh ,oh
I must admit it tasted real good
But at ten bucks a forkful
I should hope that it would

Daniel the owner, he is richer than me
He charges way too much, but he eats for free
I'm going broke, but to him it's all a joke
Daniel you're a thief, and I hope that you choke

Daniel suggested that we try some wine
I asked for a bottle of '08
But they only had '79, oh,oh,oh
I guess I'll be paying for that for a while
But I know it's worth it
Just to see Daniel smile

Then it was time to have some dessert
I said " I hope it's included
I've already gone for my shirt", oh ,oh ,oh
Soon after that the bill did arrive
I looked at Daniel
Then I broke down and cried

Soon we were making our way to the door
First we stopped at the coatroom
So I could pay a little bit more, oh, oh ,oh
I said to the wife " Get your coat off the rack.
Please don't forget it
Because we won't be coming back!"
     (c)2011Squire Malloy. All Rights Reserved

I Drank Some Very Bad Beer(Parody of "It was a Very Good Year" by Sinatra)

w/ apologies to The Chairman of the Board


When I was just 13, I drank some very bad beer
I drank some very bad beer
Served up by old maids
In little corner bars
Their foreheads had scars
And their teeth were green
When I was only 13

When I turned 21, I drank the same lousy beer
I drank the same lousy beer
But I strode into the joint
With my own ID
They were all shocked to see
That I wasn't 31
When I turned 21

When I was 35, I tried some imported beer
I tried some imported beer
With funny sounding names
In bottles and on tap
It tasted like crap
I was lucky to survive
When I was 35

When I was 44, I drank a lot more shitty beer
I drank a lot more shitty beer
And often wound up
Not knowing where I was
That was because
I'd passed out on the floor
When I was 44

When I was 59, the doctor told me "no more beer"
He told me "no more beer
You're gonna kill yourself
Or wind up on the street"
But my bartender was sweet
He said I looked just fine
When I was 59

But now the nights are short
I hit the john after each beer
And I think of my life as 1 big keg
I've suckled from the start
You can't keep us apart
I hope I've made it clear
I drank some very bad beer

If Ever I Should Study

This parody was written during my college days and reflects my lack of enthusiasm for higher learning.  Fathers Lawlor and O'Grady were theology teachers.  Father Fallon taught sociology, Mr. Fiekers chemistry, and Mr. Boursey German.
 I had a great time singing this song at my last school reunion.  Perhaps you could just plug in the names of your teachers and have some fun with this at your next high school or college gathering.

If Ever I Should Study(Parody of "If Ever I Would Leave You")by Robert Goulet

If ever I should study, how could it be for Lawlor?
Studying for Lawlor is just wasted time
The lectures are boring, the parables trite
The text is a joke book, any fool could write

If ever I should study, how could it be mathematics?
Following fanatics like Euclid and Boole
Subtraction is taxing, calc nobody knows
I need a computer, just to count my toes

And when I try to take a test it’s such a crime
I find it difficult enough just to pass the time

If ever I should study, how could it be for Fiekers?
Filling up those beakers with what I don’t know
I still can remember, when we blew up the lab
A third of our classmates wound up on the slab

If ever I should study, how could it be for Boursey?
Trouble was of course he could not understand
There’s no need to know German, I won’t travel that far
They’re all speaking English, since we won the war

Father O’Grady taught religion with such flair
It was no wonder that we named him the "dancing bear"

If ever I should study, how could it be for Fallon?
Social work is something you do at a bar!
Oh no I won’t study, neither Spring term nor Fall
No never will I study, at all!


(c)2010Squire Malloy. All Rights Reserved