I Drank Some Very Bad Beer(Parody of "It was a Very Good Year" by Sinatra)

w/ apologies to The Chairman of the Board


When I was just 13, I drank some very bad beer
I drank some very bad beer
Served up by old maids
In little corner bars
Their foreheads had scars
And their teeth were green
When I was only 13

When I turned 21, I drank the same lousy beer
I drank the same lousy beer
But I strode into the joint
With my own ID
They were all shocked to see
That I wasn't 31
When I turned 21

When I was 35, I tried some imported beer
I tried some imported beer
With funny sounding names
In bottles and on tap
It tasted like crap
I was lucky to survive
When I was 35

When I was 44, I drank a lot more shitty beer
I drank a lot more shitty beer
And often wound up
Not knowing where I was
That was because
I'd passed out on the floor
When I was 44

When I was 59, the doctor told me "no more beer"
He told me "no more beer
You're gonna kill yourself
Or wind up on the street"
But my bartender was sweet
He said I looked just fine
When I was 59

But now the nights are short
I hit the john after each beer
And I think of my life as 1 big keg
I've suckled from the start
You can't keep us apart
I hope I've made it clear
I drank some very bad beer

If Ever I Should Study

This parody was written during my college days and reflects my lack of enthusiasm for higher learning.  Fathers Lawlor and O'Grady were theology teachers.  Father Fallon taught sociology, Mr. Fiekers chemistry, and Mr. Boursey German.
 I had a great time singing this song at my last school reunion.  Perhaps you could just plug in the names of your teachers and have some fun with this at your next high school or college gathering.

If Ever I Should Study(Parody of "If Ever I Would Leave You")by Robert Goulet

If ever I should study, how could it be for Lawlor?
Studying for Lawlor is just wasted time
The lectures are boring, the parables trite
The text is a joke book, any fool could write

If ever I should study, how could it be mathematics?
Following fanatics like Euclid and Boole
Subtraction is taxing, calc nobody knows
I need a computer, just to count my toes

And when I try to take a test it’s such a crime
I find it difficult enough just to pass the time

If ever I should study, how could it be for Fiekers?
Filling up those beakers with what I don’t know
I still can remember, when we blew up the lab
A third of our classmates wound up on the slab

If ever I should study, how could it be for Boursey?
Trouble was of course he could not understand
There’s no need to know German, I won’t travel that far
They’re all speaking English, since we won the war

Father O’Grady taught religion with such flair
It was no wonder that we named him the "dancing bear"

If ever I should study, how could it be for Fallon?
Social work is something you do at a bar!
Oh no I won’t study, neither Spring term nor Fall
No never will I study, at all!


(c)2010Squire Malloy. All Rights Reserved

In The Navy 2011

In The Navy 2011 (Parody of "In The Navy"by The Village People)


Where can you find pleasure
Seeking hidden treasure
In your shipmate’s BVD’s
There’s no ask or tell now, everything is swell now
There’s more semen on the seas
You can learn to pile drive
Even learn to skin dive
Study male anatomy
You can play the skin flute
If your bunkmate’s real cute
And he’s playing on your team

In the navy
You can embrace your fellow man
In the navy
And offer him a playful hand
In the navy
You can shower with a friend
In the navy, in the navy
You can scuttle someone’s butt
In the navy
There’ll be lots of time to rut
In the navy
Put your feelings on display
In the navy
Congress said it was okay
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy

They want you, they want you
They want you if you are a fruit

Tired of the land strife
Sickened by the straight life
Here’s your shot to get away
Go down and enlist
You might just have a tryst
If your recruiter’s also gay
Go and take a chance
And search for some romance
Gobs of seamen think your way
Just throw on your pea coat
Jump into a love boat
Make your dreams come true today
　
In the navy
You can embrace your fellow man
In the navy
And offer him a playful hand
In the navy
You can shower with a friend
In the navy, in the navy
You can scuttle someone’s butt
In the navy
There’ll be lots of time to rut
In the navy
Put your feelings on display
In the navy
Congress said it was okay
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy

They want you, they want you
They want you if you are a fruit

                            (c)2010SquireMalloy. All Rights Reserved

Christmas Song 2010

The Christmas Song 2010
(Parody of "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole)

Hot dog roasting o’er a garbage can
Shopping Goodwill for your clothes
Repo man pulls away with your car
On your home, they’re ready to foreclose

But everybody knows
That AIG and Citigroup
Will keep bankruptcy at bay
CEO’s, with their corporate jets
Do anything but cut their pay

Yes Bush and Paulson had their way
The golden parachutes and bonuses will stay
Now all the taxpayers will bitch and fret
"It looks like all they do is run up the national debt"

So now we’re living in a welfare state
At least for those too big to fail
Little folks try to steal like they do
But they wind up in jail

Yes Bush and Paulson had their way
The golden parachutes and bonuses will stay
So what’s another lousy trillion bucks
As usual, the taxpayer’s shit out of luck

And so I’m offering this simple truth
Doesn’t matter what you do
Although it’s been spun as a rescue or loan
It’s a bailout, merry bailout
It’s a bailout, so screw you

                       (c)2010SquireMalloy. All Rights Reserved
　

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like X-mas

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like X-mas
(Parody of “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”)

It’s beginning to look a lot like X-mas
Everywhere is snow
There are Christmas trees all around
But no crèches are on the ground
The atheists all said they had to go

It’s beginning to look a lot like X-mas
Crosses all are bare
The judges have made it so
To a church you have to go
You can see Him there

A nice public square that is barren and bare
Is the wish of the ACLU
A big empty fir with no angels or myrrh
Is about the best you can do
At least we still have Santa Claus and all his reindeer too!

It’s beginning to look a lot like X-mas
The Magi have been canned
Joseph and Mary are not around
Baby Jesus cannot be found
The whole darn holy family’s been banned

It’s beginning to look a lot like X-mas
Where can faithers run?
The Supreme Court is where to go
If you really want to show
Church and state are one!
　
©2010SquireMalloy. All Rights Reserved

'Tis the holiday season, let the rejoycing begin!


The Eight Days of Hanukkah

On the first day of Hanukkah, Madoff took from me
My condo in Miami Beach

On the second day of Hanukkah, Madoff took from me
2 Mercedes-Benz and my condo in Miami Beach

On the third day of Hanukkah, Madoff took from me
3 vacation homes, 2 Mercedes-Benz, and my condo in Miami Beach

On the forth day of Hanukkah, Madoff took from me
4 country clubs, 3 vacation homes, 2 Mercedes-Benz, and my condo in Miami Beach

On the fifth day of Hanukkah, Madoff took from me
5 million bucks (oy vey!), 4 country clubs, 3 vacation homes,2 Mercedes-Benz,
And my condo in Miami Beach

On the sixth day of Hanukkah, Madoff took from me
6 valets parking, 5 million bucks (oy vey!), 4 country clubs, 3 vacation homes,
2 Mercedes-Benz, and my condo in Miami Beach

On the seventh day of Hanukkah, Madoff took from me
7 pool boys cleaning, 6 valets parking, 5 million bucks (oy vey!), 4 country clubs,
3 vacation homes, 2 Mercedes-Benz, and my condo in Miami Beach

On the eighth day of Hanukkah, Madoff took from me
8 maids a-dusting, 7 pool boys cleaning, 6 valets parking, 5 million bucks (oy vey!),
4 country clubs, 3 vacation homes, 2 Mercedes-Benz,
And my condo in Miami Beach

                    (c)2010SquireMalloy.All Rights Reserved

 Korea (Parody of "Maria" from West Side Story)

It's the scariest country in the world
Korea, Korea, Korea, Korea
They got nukes but we don't say a single word
Korea, Korea, Korea, Korea
Korea
There's been an attack by Korea
It's really such a shame
We cannot blame Hussein
This time
Korea
Jong Il's the head nut in Korea
Jong Un is next in line
He may have a design
For war
Korea
Say it loud you can't hear the crying
Say it soft, you can hear people dying

Korea
There's been an attack by Korea

It's the scariest country in the world
Korea

                            (c)2010SquireMalloy.All Rights Reserved