"New SeeAlice ad"
She used to inspire and turn you on, there's no question about that.  But 30 years and 50 pounds later, not so much, and that could be the real reason for your erectile dysfunction. So what do you do? Why not do what I do, and  go see Alice?
     Why Alice, you ask? Because Alice is  a young,  buxom, long-legged stripper/hooker who works at my neighborhood gogo bar. I go see Alice all the time now. Sometimes, actually almost every time I see Alice, I get an erection that lasts 4 hours or more . Ads on TV ads told me to call my doctor if this happened, and I did. Now my doctor goes to see Alice 2 or 3  times a week himself.
     Side effects when you see Alice may include a total lack of interest in anything your wife says or does, the need to see Alice frequently and urgently , and the need to work a second job to be able to afford continuing to see Alice.
     Seeing Alice is not for everyone. Going to see Alice may cause an unsafe drop in your checking and savings accounts. Ask your financial adviser if going to see Alice is right for you.

"Secret Service Man" Parody of "Secret Agent Man" by Johnny Rivers

 

There’s a man who puts the Chief in danger
To ladies of the night he’s not a stranger
With every trip he takes, another babe he makes
Odds are he’ll be unemployed tomorrow

Secret Service man, Secret Service man
Well she’s given you a boner
Now you gotta take the blame

Mix your work and play if so inclined
Enjoy yourself while slapping her behind
But don’t argue ‘bout her pay
You could lose your job that way
Odds are you’ll be unemployed tomorrow

Secret Service man, Secret service man
Well she’s given you a boner
Now you gotta take the blame

At a bar in Cartagena one day
Then in the bosses office at the next day
You watched those swerving hips
And kissed those ruby lips
Odds are you’ll be unemployed tomorrow

Secret Service man, Secret Service man
Well she’s given you a boner
Now you gotta take the blame

Secret Service man

"Rush" Parody of "Hush" by Deep Purple. By the way Rush, sluts did it for free when I was growing up. Has that changed?

There's a certain little girl, you called her a slut
Just what I'd expect from a face like a butt
She's got more class than you ever had
Independent women make you feel so bad

Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na

Hush, Rush, I thought I heard you call her a name now
Hush, Rush, she's not a feminazi but you treat 'em all the same now
Hush, Rush, I thought I heard you call her a name now
Hush, Rush, perhaps the oxycodone rotted your brain now

Love, love, you're working on your 4th wife
Love, love, do you even have a sex life?
Love, Love, if the viagra's really helping
Love, love, how come you got no offspring?

You're a low-life, there is no doubt
It's no Fluke your sponsors bailed out
So you decided it's time to atone
You already lost Quicken and Auto Zone

Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na

Hush, Rush, I thought I heard you call her a name now
Hush, Rush, she's not a feminazi but you treat 'em all the same now
Hush, Rush, I thought I heard you call her a name now
Hush, Rush, perhaps the oxycodone rotted your brain now

Love, love, you're working on your 4th wife
Love, love, do you even have a sex life?
Love, love, if your member ever does grow
Love, love, please God don't stream the video!

Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na

"Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis" Parody of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" by Julie Andrews. Presidential candidate Rick Sanatorium has been making some very forthright statements since moving to the head of the Republican field.(ie. That the President's religion is not based on the Bible; Duh, its the Koran). But at least his seemingly total dismissal of women's issues assures me that, if elected, the Bible is the book HE will use when trying to make the correct decisions for the men of this country. Hold onto your long skirts ladies, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

When trying to express himself, Rick's arguments sound weak
That shouldn't be, because the Holy Spirit helps him speak
He has no use for women, in the kitchen they should stay
He sounds just like a Muslim, but at least he isn't gay!

Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis
And he knows that evolution's not a valid thesis
Nothing in the Good Book says we're cousins of a rhesus
Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye

When Stone Age men walked on the earth six thousand years ago
It's fortunate they didn't use un-godly birth control
None of us would be here now and that would be a shame
We wouldn't even have Barak Obama we could blame!

Oh!

Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis
And he knows that evolution's not a valid thesis
Nothing in the Good Book says we're cousins of a rhesus
Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye

Rick does some consulting "work", he makes a mil a year
But most of us don't make that much and never will, I fear
Rick thinks moms should stay at home and teach the Golden Rule
Tell us how we'll make it on one salary, you fool!

Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis
And he knows that evolution's not a valid thesis
Nothing in the Good Book says we're cousins of a rhesus
Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye

Women ought to stay at home and serve our manly needs
Mostly in the bedroom, to fertilize our seeds
The good Lord only made them for the children they could bear
Let's just keep them pregnant so they'll stay out of our hair!

Women are receptacles, the Bible tells us so
Through history their status has remained extremely low
Rick's afraid pre-natal care will elevate their worth
Who cares if they live or die, as long as they give birth!

Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis
And he knows that evolution's not a valid thesis
It's not in the Good Book that we're cousins of a rhesus
Rickdon'twannaletherhavenoamniocentesis
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle aye
　

"Put Whitey Back in the White House" Parody of "Give Ireland Back to the Irish" by Paul McCartney Some want President Obama gone for many reasons including, but not limited to, his being a socialist, nazi, muslim, fascist, illegal alien, anti-business(check your 401k for proof), racist, lying, gay blond woman.

Put Whitey back in the White House
For this, O Lord, I kneel and I pray
Put Whitey back in the White House
Avenge the stalwart men who wore Gray

Obama, you're an okay guy
Let's just say you're not half bad
But seeing you in that mansion
Really makes me mad

Okay, let me rephrase that
Don't take me the wrong way
If you'd just serve in the Cabinet
Or the kitchen, or the cloakroom
Then perhaps I'd let you stay

Put Whitey back in the White House
For this, O Lord, I kneel and I pray
Put Whitey back in the White House
Avenge the stalwart men who wore Gray

The Tea Party revolution
Needs to really look within
Hold your nose and go for Romney
Mitt's got much less melanin

Just imagine you're a voter
And you're choice is still in doubt
I beg you do the "Right" thing
It don't matter, the opponent
Just get that Black guy out!

Put Whitey back in the White House
For this, O Lord, I kneel and I pray
Put Whitey back in the White House
Avenge the stalwart men who wore Gray
　
　

"Simply Unelectable" Parody of " Simply Irresistable" by Robert Palmer. If George Will or Bob Dole try to take credit for this, they will hear from my lawyers.

How can it be permissible
He has no moral principle,yeah yeah
His Reagan ties are mythical
He's uber-hypocritical
Yesteryear I'd endorse, he was a powerful force
But I can't back him now, 'cause the boy's run his course
He used to look good to me, but now I find him

Simply unelectable
Simply unelectable

His pompousness is palpable, huh
His arguments are laughable
The " Speaker's" now unspeakable
He's eminently beatable

He's broken the law, he's a man I abhor
He deserves the abuse, he's become so obtuse
He used to look good to me , but now I find him

Simply unelectable
Simply unelectable

(Simply unelectable) He's so lyin', he's not tellin' whence the money came
(Simply unelectable) He's denyin' lobbyin's the way he used to go

He's a chameleon, he switches wives at will
He's so damn smarmy that he gives my bones a chill
He changed religions 'cause the Pope gave him a thrill
He used to look good to me , but now I find him

Simply unelectable
He's so lyin', he's not tellin' whence the money came
(Simply unelectable) He's denyin' lobbyin's the way he used to go

His haughtiness is visible
His ethics unacceptable
His countenance is risible, huh
He's overtly dismissible

Yesteryear I'd endorse, he was a powerful force
But I can't back him now, 'cause the boy's run his course
He used to look good to me, but now I find him

Simply unelectable
Simply unelectable

He's so lyin', he's not tellin' whence the money came
(Simply unelectable) He's denyin' lobbyin's the way he used to go
He's so lyin', he's not tellin' whence the money came
(Simply unelectable) He's denyin' lobbyin's the way he used to go

Simply unelectable

SquireMalloy(c)2012All Rights Reserved

"Mitt Romney" Parody of " Moon River" by Andy Williams

Mitt Romney, such a winning smile
The South he must beguile, someday
No claim staker, no risk taker
Which way the wind's blowin', he's goin' that way

Two-sided, like a Janus face
He changes pace on every stop
Will born-agains view him askance?
Will they take a chance?
A Mormon helping France
Mitt Romney, flip-flop.

    SquireMalloy(c)2012All Rights Reserved

" No Money Down" (Parody of " Blow the Man Down")

No money down matey, no money down
Yo, ho, no money down
We gave him a mortgage so big that he’d drown
We sold him a house with no money down

He didn’t have work or a nickel to spare
Yo, ho, no money down
But we got our fees and that’s all that we care
We sold him a house with no money down

We bundled the mortgages to CDO’s
Yo, ho, no money down
What the hell they are well nobody knows
We sold him a house with no money down

Moodys was there to make profits look big
Yo, ho, no money down
They helped put the lipstick right onto that pig
We sold him a house with no money down

The fed chair said wing it so that’s what we chose
Yo, ho, no money down
With triple A ratings we smelled like a rose
We sold him a house with no money down

No money down matey, no money down
Yo, ho, no money down
We gave him a mortgage so big that he’d drown
We sold him a house with no money down

He can’t make the payments and feels like a clown
Yo, ho, no money down
A few more foreclosures and we’ll own the town
We sold him a house with no money down

It’s Twenty-eleven now money is tight
Yo, ho, we have skipped town
We won’t make a loan ‘cause it wouldn’t be right
And we don’t care how much you put down!

SquireMalloy2011(C)AllRights Reserved

Please forgive me for my parody paucity. I have been spending much time on a book "Swerving Down the Highway: Selected Reflections on the Golden Age of Drunken Driving",( Available on amazon and barnesandnoble.com.) which was recently published. I hope to be back in action soon. Thanks.

"Chris Christie" Parody of "Moon River" by Andy Williams. OKay, I've just used this song, but the first line was just too good to pass up here

Chris Christie, wider than a mile
You'll fit through a turnstile, someday
No matter, you opted not to run
New Jersey's much more fun, you say
You've thrown your weight behind the Mitt
Hey just think of it, your team could be a hit
Chris Christie, VP!

Two Yankees, out to win the South
But one has a big mouth, you see
A Mormon and a Catholic Wop
In Dixieland they're sure to flop
The rebels just don't like their kind
It's Rick who they're behind, Christians of one mind
Chris Christie, R.I.P.!

  Squire Malloy2011(c) All Rights Reserved

Cain Wins Florida Straw Poll!

We interrupt our parodies here to report a shocking upset in Florida, where Herman Cain has won the Straw Poll! Here is one headline and some follow up articles from a prominent U.S. newspaper.

Cain " SHINES" in Sunshine State!  Perry, Romney, Bachmann pale by comparison.

Big Tent expands! Adds servants quarters.

Cain victory further muddies Republican primary. Will Florida Straw Poll results color GOP race?

"Rick Perry" (Parody of "Moon River" by Andy Williams

Rick Perry, crazy as can be
He doesn’t make much sense to me
"World warming’s just a pack of lies"
While Dallas boils at 1-0-5
He said that he wants to secede
It’s pretty much agreed, he must be off his feed
Rick Perry, hayseed

Rick Perry, foaming at the mouth
Another genius from the South
"Bernanke oughta get the chair"
It strikes me as a tad unfair
He wants Darwin out of the school
Creationism’s cool, the Bible has to rule
Rick Perry, a fool

SquireMalloy2011(c)All Rights Reserved

"Bachmann in the U.S.S.R." (Parody of " Back in the U.S.S.R." by The Beatles Candidate Bachmann recently made reference to the threat posed by the U.S.S.R. The clear and present danger from the Holy Roman Empire was oddly not mentioned

Flew in from the heartland on my corporate jet
Had to do my Christian thing
Packed up all my speeches and my talking points
My brain’s all I forgot to bring
I’m Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.
You know how stupid I are, boys
Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.

They went out of business 20 years ago
Must have missed the news that day
Watching all those foster kids is quite a chore
Besides, I need some time to pray
I’m Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.
You know how stupid I are, boys
Bachmann in the U.S.
Bachmann in the U.S.
Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.

Well I may have screwed up on Elvis’ birth
Some facts are hard to find
But neo-cons only love me more
Because it helps to prove I’m out of my mmmmmind
　
Take me North to Concord with the mountains white
Let me do my Tea-bag spin
Lookin’ for a statue of that Paul Revere
Don’t even know what state I’m in
I’m Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.
You know how stupid I are, boys
Bachmann in the U.S.S.R.

Squire Malloy2011.(c)All Rights Reserved

"Relegate" (Parody of " Renegade" by Styx)

Osama lived in fear for his life cause he knew his time was nigh
Seal 6 had planned an end to his terror, they would rain down from the sky
Osama we can hear you crying, preparing your swan song
Blackhawks are coming down from the heavens and you don’t have very long

The jig is up, the news is out, we finally found him
That piece of scum, that bearded bum, that pork laden Slim Jim
Never more to run amok
We gunned down that rotten f___, in Pakistan

Osama you’ve been years on the lam and had a high price on your head
Barack said get you dead or alive, but it seems he just meant dead
Osama I can hear you crying, preparing your swan song
Blackhawks are coming down from the heavens and you don’t have very long

The jig is up, the news is out, we finally found him
That piece of scum, that bearded bum, that pork laden Slim Jim
Never more to run amok
We gunned down that rotten f___, in Pakistan

Osama lived in fear for his life cause he knew his time was nigh
Seal 6 had planned an end to his terror, they would rain down from the sky
The jig is up, the news is out, we finally found him
That piece of scum, that bearded bum, that pork laden Slim Jim
Never more to run amok
We gunned down that rotten f___, in Pakistan
　

Young Boy (Parody of "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett) Okay, these last Philadelphia 'revelations" pushed me over the edge. Father, you know JUST what you do

Young boy get out of my mind
I can't stop thinking of your behind
Better run boy
Don't be my love toy

With all the charms of a pre-teen
Your hairless body turns me on
Come to the altar son
And pour some wine, wow you look fine
Oh look! My vestment's come undone, oh

Young boy get out of my mind
I can't stop thinking of your behind
Better run boy
don't be my love toy

Beneath your short pants and undies
I'm praying there's some hidden pelf
I know I'll rot in hell
Forever more, and that's for sure
But I just can't control myself,oh

Young boy get out of my mind
I can't stop thinking of your behind
Better run boy
Don't be my love toy

So hurry home to your pappa
But shut your mouth and dry your tears
Get out of here
Before the Bishop sees, my full disease
I might get canned in 30 years,oh

Young boy get out of my mind
I can't stop thinking of your behind
Better run boy
Don't be my love toy

  (c)2011Squire Malloy. All Rights Resarved

The Bimbo Infection (Parody of "The Rainbow Connection" by Sarah Mclachlan)

Why do the newswomen, all look like bimbos?
Bimbos have curves they can’t hide
Short skirts and v-necks, get them the ratings
Networks are beaming with pride
What’s so amazing, about young men gazing
At women so scantily clad?
The Nielsens and hemlines, both go up together
And corporate big-wigs are glad

Turn on the business news, to try and make money
You get go-go girls instead
Most are quite buxom, they’re slender and slinky
But nothing’s inside their head
We all watch the news then, cause you never know when
A "wardrobe malfunction" may come
They’re spiel isn’t witty, but as long as they’re pretty
We don’t give a damn that they’re dumb

All of us under their spell
Maybe their looks are hypnotic

Have you seen sports shows, they go in the lockers
What are they doing down there?
Guys stare and whistle, and then they file law suits
Some become millionaires
We’ve watched it too many times to ignore it
Skin is what we like to see
Someday we’ll cure it, the bimbo infection
The eunuchs, the gay guys, and me

(c)2011Squire Malloy. All Rights Reserved

The Bimbo Infection (Parody of " The Rainbow Connection" by Sarah Mclachlan)

I Must Have Been Sedated(Parody of "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones) This parody is dedicated to arguably the second greatest African-American ever to serve on our natoin's highest court. We can only wonder why for 5+ years he has not opened his mouth

Sixty ,sixty ,sixty one months ago
I must have been sedated
Nothin' to say, no opinion of my own
I must have been sedated

Just get me to the chambers, there's no need to explain
I just do what Scalia says, I do not need my brain
My lazy tongue just lies there, it's atrophied again
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Sixty, sixty, sixty one months ago
I must have been sedated
Nothin' to say, no opinion of my own
I must have been sedated

I should be in a wheelchair, my spine has got a curve
Even though I was A-1 I didn't have to serve
Those who say I was a "dodger" really have some nerve
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Sixty, sixty, sixty one months ago
I must have been sedated
Nothin' to say, no opinion of my own
I must have been sedated

Now I got somewhat frisky with one Anita Hill
I asked her to the Thomas cabin for a little thrill
Turned out she was nothin' but a female poison pill
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Sixty, sixty,sixty one months ago
I must have been sedated
Nothin' to say, no opinion of my own
I must have been sedated

My wife is with the Tea Bags, I'm quite aware of it
I work with right wing think tanks and get paid quite a bit
Don't ask me to recuse myself cause I don't give a s_it
Oh no oh oh oh oh

Ba ba bamp ba
Ba ba ba bamp ba
I must have been sedated
Ba ba bamp ba
Ba ba ba bamp ba
I must have been sedated!
(c)2011SquireMalloy. All Rights Reserved

This parody was written after my wife coerced me into eating at an INCREDIBLY expensive restaurant in NYC. She asked only that I pay and not bitch about the cost until the next day.

     My Night at "Daniel" (Parody of "Daniel" by Elton John)

We just ate at "Daniel"
Now let me explain
One of the hardest parts was
The wife wouldn't let me complain, oh,oh,oh
As soon as Daniel opened the door
I said I've got 200
He said "you're gonna need a whole lot more"

Daniel gave us the menu, how nice
But I was really confused 'cause
The food didn't have any price, oh, oh ,oh
So I asked Daniel, how much more or less
He said not to worry
We take American Express

First he brought out some little sardines
Then came the tiniest entree I've eeeeeever seen, oh, oh ,oh
I must admit it tasted real good
But at ten bucks a forkful
I should hope that it would

Daniel the owner, he is richer than me
He charges way too much, but he eats for free
I'm going broke, but to him it's all a joke
Daniel you're a thief, and I hope that you choke

Daniel suggested that we try some wine
I asked for a bottle of '08
But they only had '79, oh,oh,oh
I guess I'll be paying for that for a while
But I know it's worth it
Just to see Daniel smile

Then it was time to have some dessert
I said " I hope it's included
I've already gone for my shirt", oh ,oh ,oh
Soon after that the bill did arrive
I looked at Daniel
Then I broke down and cried

Soon we were making our way to the door
First we stopped at the coatroom
So I could pay a little bit more, oh, oh ,oh
I said to the wife " Get your coat off the rack.
Please don't forget it
Because we won't be coming back!"
     (c)2011Squire Malloy. All Rights Reserved